Taking a step back…or forward

Some of you who have been following my blog for a while now may know that i’m currently unemployed and looking for a job. My last contract stint ended in Dec last year, and after a bout of traveling…i’ve been actively looking. Truthfully, this blog is what has been keeping me sane and keeps me feeling like i’m still connected to this world. Sometimes, i don’t leave the house for 4 days straight and that gets to me sometimes.

Just in case you were wondering, i have been to a handful of interviews so far. Only one of which i came really close, being the final 2 candidates. And this is the same company (different subsidiary) that i interviewed with last year, of which i was also 1 of 2 final candidates. Both times they decided to go with an internal candidate. You can imagine how bummed i feel after the 2nd time. There were 1 or 2 other interviews which i felt quite good about, but i haven’t heard back from them so you can only guess what happened there.

I’ve received some calls from recruiting companies, they seem more keen to persuade me to let them submit my resume to their clients who have positions open even after i politely declined (Of course, these are positions which are not in line with my past experience). Seems to me recruiters these days are more concerned about hitting their target, not realizing that they would be much more effective/productive if they were to study the resumes of candidates more carefully. They give me the feeling that they are sales-oriented people, and not the ‘Talent Specialists’ they claim to be. Most of them do not even have a clear understanding of the difference between ‘Marketing’ & ‘Marketing Communications’. I know many companies use these 2 terms loosely, and it is quite a grey area. But those in the line of ‘Talent Acquisition’ should be well-positioned to dispense such advice and offer suggestions on the core competencies potential candidates should possess no?

Ideally, i’m looking for a permanent position. But i’ve found myself applying for short-term contract positions that don’t even pay as well (perhaps in a moment of desperation). But we all know these short-term contracts won’t bring me anywhere. Sometimes, i wonder… would i be missing out on a potential permanent position during the time i’m fulfilling these short-term contracts? But at the end of the day, i need to be practical. $$ still needs to be earned, life still has to go on.

I’m frustrated, really I am. It may look like i’m so happy, without a care in this world. Everyday i entertain myself with frivolous make-up reviews, clothes and nail polish. But who knows the fear and worry that is lurking at the back of my mind? The day i left my job without a job…i never knew it was going to be so hard to find another. I’ve given it more than ample time, and so far it seems my irresponsibility has not been forgiven. Maybe i’m the only one who has not forgiven myself. Perhaps i’m just no good at doing what i’ve been doing so far, which sheds some light on why i’ve not been performing well at interviews? Or could it be that the hiring managers felt no ‘chemistry’ with me? I don’t know…i really don’t know.

Have i taken a step forward in all this time… or merely taken 2 steps back?

In the past, when frustration and despair kicked in and i didn’t know what to do with myself, i’d openly share these feelings with my husband and my closest friends. But now, i keep these feelings to myself. Because i have only myself to blame for what is happening. Also because i can’t tear off the mask that says “I’m FINE! I’m having the time of my life!”. I don’t need you to feel bad for me, or tell me perhaps i need more time or maybe I just haven’t tried hard enough. I internalize all these feelings and keep myself busy with frivolous activities so i’m totally distracted. The next question is…. when will i explode?

Please tell me life will be back to normal soon. I want to feel the monday blues just like everyone else. I want to feel ecstatic when Friday comes around.